Pity is a four letter word

There are some days that my pain refuses to cooperate and ease down to a managable level, despite all my efforts.  Today was one of those days.  It is so disheartening to be doing everything right and still not find any relief.  I hope to outgrow the childish "this is so unfair!" thought that sets up shop in my brain every time I have a day like this. 

I knew I was in for a rough one right of the bat.  I woke up limping, barely able to put weight on my right foot.  So I declared a self-care day & set about making myself the healthiest nutriblast in all the land--spinach, kale, carrots, raspberries, walnuts, almonds, flax meal, fresh mint, unsweetened cocoa & coconut milk.  Blend.  Then I kept moving with some light housework to work the stiffness out of my arthritic joints.  Then I did 45 minutes of yoga.  I even treated myself to a tofu burrito at Outpost. 

But as I struggled to carry my groceries upstairs early this evening, I could feel my fatigue rising & my muscle strength & control waning.  Almost as soon as I walked in the house I began crying.  Dion recognized how exhausted I looked and urged me to sit down & rest.  He asked me why I didn't call him to help bring up the groceries.  I couldn't answer that because I knew I'd only cry harder.  The truth is that he always goes far above & beyond the call of duty for me.  He is kind and understanding and generous and so very patient.  After working a 12 hour day it is not at all uncommon for him to see that I am in pain and offer to give me a massage.  On my good days, I try to do as much as I can to make life a little easier and more pleasant for him-cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping.  On my bad days, feeding the cats is a small victory.  I know I shouldn't compare his contribution to the relationship to my own.  I know it's not a competition.  I know I'm doing my best.  I know my health problems are not my fault and that he feels no resentment toward me whatsoever.  But I harbor resentment toward myself, on his behalf- on everyone's behalf, really.  All of the plans I've had to cancel with friends or family due to pain, all of the things I wish I could do with and for people, if I only had the strength and the energy....I cannot seem to let myself off the hook for this. As much as I understand that ehlers-danlos syndrome is not my fault, I still blame myself for all the things it prevents me from doing.  I need to find a way to let go of this toxic and irrational thinking.

I was able to teach my evening water aerobics class in spite of the pain, & when I got home, more achey and tired than ever, a cheerful Dion called me into the bedroom to look at what he had just ordered online: a couple of books on organic beekeeping & a pump for a large mouthwash bottle.  I don't know if I can convey how goddamn sweet both of these things are, but I will try.  Dion really listens to me & respects my opinions about things, which is sort of novel for me in a relationship.  He may tease me about how much I spend on organic produce, but he knows how much I value health & the environment, so for him to look into a non-toxic, sustainable method of beekeeping really meant a lot to me.  As for the mouth wash pump, I had mentioned how hard lifting and tilting the 1.5 liter mouthwash is on my dumb ehlers-danlos wrists.  So he found a pump on amazon.com and ordered it for me. 

Writing this is helping me to see how very lucky I am.  I may have a chronic & difficult to manage condition, but also I have someone who is happy to stand by me through all of it.  If I can find a way to stop beating myself up for not being able to do more, to do as much as I want to & as much as a "normal" person seems to be capable of doing, I will be in a better place & I will be a better partner.

If this post is unbearably maudlin I'm going to blame the sleeping pill I took 15 minutes ago.

G'nite!